theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
