Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Everclear isn't food dammit
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
