chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My feet surprised me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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