Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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