Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
