The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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