I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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