you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
