his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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