Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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