i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
