Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
