I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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