glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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