I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
