I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
