remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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