Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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