I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
