i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
