he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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