When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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