Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
