Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
