i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
