I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My bed smells like the plague
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
