apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
