It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
