I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
