Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
