Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
