i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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