True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
