He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
