All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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