if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
