Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Is it penis luge time yet?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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