Apparently you make a good broom.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
