'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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