allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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