im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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