I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
don't judge my taste in strippers
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
