I just pynch a tree in the face
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
