I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I did not marry a roomba.
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