i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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