I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
