In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
