Are we in a gay sports bar?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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