happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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