There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
