Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
