M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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